in giving it up you chew a little foil...

28 FEB 2004 - 11.03a
I just want to sleep!!!

Henry Snodgrass climbed through the fence this morning. I think we chased him through four of our neighbor's yards before he ran back to our barn. I am sad to say that I think Henry Snodgrass might need to find a new home. If anybody would like a miniature mule, I know of one for sale.

This does mean that we will need to find a new companion for Lucy. Part of me just wants to board her somewhere and forget this horsekeeping at home thing. There's too much to worry about.

Went out with Paul and Dale last night. I have a very faint memory of Paul buying incense from a homeless man. I love both Paul and Dale... such good boys. Oh boy... I just remembered something about a key. Do you know the opening of Laverne and Shirley when one of them puts a glove on a beer bottle and they watch it on the conveyor belt or whatever? Yeah, there was something like that... but only it happened with a key, not a glove, and there wasn't a conveyor belt.

The cat is doing well, I guess... he still doesn't have a name. I don't think he ever will. Oh well. He went to the vet the other day because he had a tummy ache... since we aren't cat people, we have no idea what they're supposed to do. He also needed to get a rabies shot since he will eventually be outdoors. Today he seems almost back to normal... he still hates me!

27 FEB 2004 - 4.02p
Wow! What a day it's been. It started off with a bang... the ex let me know that he had slept with the girl that he took on the date. A lot of other stuff came out. Basically, although he was confrontational about everything, he sent me a long string of emails confirming that he is a lying asshole. Then he had the nerve to send the following to me:

i just wanted to say that i still hope we can somehow be friends or at least be civil.
i am sorry for all that i have done, i never intended to do any of it, it just all happened that way.
thats it.
take care, meghan.
i will still not speak ill of you.
never.

Um, yeah. Whatever. This is not the type of person I want to be friends with.

Lacey and I just went out for lunch and then to Starbucks. We talked about lots... discussed the Colonel quite a bit, because that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. The Colonel also made me shed a tear today... not because of the lying bad boyfriend stuff, but because he told me things I don't necessarily want to hear. Not bad things, things that are good for me in the long run. I think he is the exact motivation I need at this point in my life and I'm grateful for his friendship. It's also nice to have someone read to me until I fall asleep and snore like sonar.

It's beautiful outside. I think I'm going to enjoy it now.

26 FEB 2004 - 8.01a
To the person coming here, looking for something... please check Friendster. I hope my messages don't take longer than a day to get to you. I hate Friendster.

I am so tired.

Thanks to the Colonel for keeping me entertained on my drive home. I keep wanting to call him "Captain."

Thanks to Paul H for being silly.

Thanks to Dale for listening to me and having my back.

Horses need their grain.

25 FEB 2004 - 8.37p
Things have been well... the kitty still doesn't have a name. His name was "Puck" for a day... and it was "Poe" for a day or two (it might actually be "Po" because he was named after the Teletubby). Due to some threats in the comment box of my previous entry, I fear I might have to name the kitty Yusef Islam. If you don't know who that is, please google the name.

I'm still unemployed, but that goes without saying. Last night Richard told me that sometimes the best jobs are the ones you have to lose money on... or something like that. There's more to it... I just won't get into it here. This morning, I've really been thinking about what he said. Not that I'm a terribly deep thinker or anything, but I've just been thinking about things I could do... maybe I have been expecting too much. I know that I have a useless degree... but I'm smart... and when I'm not lazy, I'm a really good worker.

I think I'll spend the morning searching for just the right cheesecake recipe for Lacey's little dinner party (which was moved from today to Saturday). I don't expect that will take too long. I'll finish my barn chores after that... and I'm sure at some point I will talk to Richard. Maybe I'll spend my afternoon figuring out what I am going to do about employment. I'll ride Newt at some point. I probably should have written all of these things down in the form of a list... because I don't know for sure how likely it is that I'm going to do any of them.

Should I go to GBV in Columbus? Who wants to go with me?

21 FEB 2004 - 2.15p

this is my new cat. i didn't get a kitten... i instead went with a one year old male cat. i wanted a female kitten. but it's okay. he needs a name. all of the suggestions have been wonderful so far... but nothing has struck me as just the right name.

his name was tyson. that makes me think of chicken. i'm not calling him that. maybe i'll name him doug wilson.

20 FEB 2004 - 1.45p
i have had my cr-v for exactly one year. i think i have something like 29,000 miles on it. the first day that i had it last year, paul and i went to see ted leo at the old grog shop.

last night we went to see the mr. t experience at the new grog shop. i was so stupidly happy. good beer, lots of favorite songs played. i was especially thrilled to hear "more than toast." we were some of the oldest people there, which i guess isn't a huge surprise or anything. this was the best show i've been to so far in 2004... but i guess i haven't really seen very many bands.

i still haven't repurchased my gbv ticket for next month's show in columbus. i talked to eric a while ago about going with me, but i haven't heard from him in forever... who knows what's up with that! if i have to go by myself, i will... it's gbv. i'd much rather have company, but i'm not terribly concerned. you know, to be honest, if i missed the show completely, i don't really think i'd be too upset. maybe i should just skip it and see if it kills me.

i'm too tired to pick out a kitten today. i guess i'll just do that tomorrow. i might try to think of names or something, just in case my kitten isn't orange (i already have a name picked out for an orange kitten). i definitely want to get a girl, so if you have any name suggestions, feel free to post them in my comments section.

i don't feel like doing anything tonight. i probably won't.

19 FEB 2004 - 5.50p
i'm feeling much better today! going to see mtx tonight, unfortunately not with lacey. i'm afraid she's still feeling icky. i called paul and i'm pretty sure i managed to convince him to go with me.

paul pointed out that i have the bizarre ability to change the lyrics to any belle and sebastian song to make it about dogs. not just anybody can do that.

supposedly my ex's friend wants to tell me off or laugh at me or make fun of me or something. riiiiight. that's so cool. i can't wait to run into him again.

i think that i have a mouse (or mice) in my barn at home. i might have to get a cat sooner than later. there's just been some weird happenings lately involving oats strewn around the barn. and phoebe is obsessed with the tractor parked at the end of the aisle. i think that's where the mice live (lacey compared this to the secret of nimh.) and i'm too afraid to start the tractor because i don't want to burn them alive or anything. i would much rather have a cat to eat them alive.

18 FEB 2004 - 10.08p
i'm not feeling well. i had a pretty bad stomach ache but attempted to ride newt anyway. it didn't work... after a few minutes of trotting, my back was killing me and i started feeling dizzy. even though it was pretty warm (oh, probably 40 degrees in the barn, slightly colder outside), the ice outside was still lingering, so i walked him around indoors. poor, bored newt.

i have to figure out what i'm going to do about the pixies tour. i definitely want to see them at least once... david is going to try to buy enough tickets for the whole world to go. i just wish the shows weren't so stinking far away. stupid pixies. i know this is supposed to be a warm-up tour or whatever... but i am really afraid something will happen while they are in europe and the reunion won't ever reach the eastern half of the united states. bah.

tomorrow night i will attempt to see the mr. t experience with lacey. hopefully we'll both be feeling better. i probably don't need to mention my silly affection for mtx. love is dead remains one of my favorite albums.

i have been having late night phone conversations... based on a particular away message, i think i should be starting another one soon. goodnight!

16 FEB 2004 - 1.27p
i am so tired. and i am more or less forcing myself to write right now. my weekend was average. paul was my valentine! he made a valentine for me while he was at work. it is my favorite valentine ever. there's a picture of bette midler on it... and it says, "you are the wind beneath my wings." oh, paul knows how to charm the ladies, for sure! he also bought me a beer at thursday's.

i just remembered that some guy gave me a poem at thursday's. i folded it up and put it in my purse because i hate poetry. i must remember to toss it out my car window while i'm driving along today.

i'm so tired.

13 FEB 2004 - 12.31p
everybody should read the cover story of this week's scene magazine... mainly because i am mentioned in the article. i am a background vocalist, and i am the one fourth of the band that is missing when they are on their outing in the beginning.

i'm not really in that band, by the way. that was the interview i went to at capsule last week. i was so disappointed that the whole article is all ed, ed, ed (or should i say cleft, cleft, cleft?). the background girls need a voice, too!

i also won't be participating in their "down with love" march tomorrow night. lacey is my valentine this year, and tentative plans include thursdays in akron with paul, etc. yippy!

10 FEB 2004 - 1.37p
this is a good read for clevelanders. i bet this will make lacey miss her days as a marc's cashier!

10 FEB 2004 - 11.40a
woo. i had a great night last night. i know i kept saying things like, "i hate everything. i'm going to shoot myself in the foot," only to follow such statements with, "this is the best night of my life." i went thinking i was meeting lacey and paul for drinks... and then it ended up being like everybody that was at lacey's birthday thing the other night.

we had a cool bartender... and the jukebox was stocked with favorites (gbv! spoon! belle and sebastian!). i sang to lacey (and paul) each time a song i liked came on. poor lacey hated it, but i think she was secretly amused or something. i love gbv.

dogsitting for my uncle this week. his dog darla (sister to owen, my puppy for a day!) is the biggest dope of a dog ever. she is very sweet and very obedient, but just super dopey. darla and phoebe get along well and are great playmates... it's fun having two dogs in the house. phoebe feels like a fucking genius (well, she is..).

i want to go on a date.

09 FEB 2004 - 11.17a
tonight lacey and i (and maybe paul h?) are going drinking. why? because i think lacey and i need a do-over of the other night.

i'm only speaking for myself right now... for lacey's account of her birthday, please read her blog. i had a hellish drive to kent... i did all of my birthday shopping on my way to the bar. nothing like last minute! i was kicking myself for not stopping for starbucks, as i was super tired from being up so late the night before. as i got on the highway, finally on my way, i ran out of windshield washer fluid. oh god. the drive there was terrible. i might as well have done it blindfolded. i bought a new bottle as soon as i got off the highway.

so... i finally get to the loft and lacey said she was just starting to worry about me. then somebody else decided to be a comedian and greet me with a comment about my ex not being with me. not that this has anything to do with the stupid nature of the comment, but i bet this person could count on one hand the number of times they actually saw him out with me... and i don't know... but when somebody has been through everything i have recently been through, they don't need to hear smartass shit like that. i suppose the person that made the comment knows who they are. to that person: i did not appreciate that, especially since i have not personally spoken to you about any of the events that occurred with the ex. you knew a few here and there details that were things i had to tell somebody (anybody) and you may have just so happened to have been online. considering this was the first time i saw you face to face since everything happened, it sucked for you to say that. i wasn't expecting roses and sympathy, but i sure as hell did not need that.

anyhow.

sorry if i seem a little sensitive... but i am. it's just so weird, because everybody knew the on and off nature of my relationship with tony... but i kept an awful lot of the details hidden. when courtney, paul, dale and i were at gold coast the other night, i shared more detail with them than i probably ever had... and i think they were kind of surprised. i think if you hear the real goings on behind the relationship you know why things happened the way that they did. i can't help but think that people are so quick to judge me and say "i told you so" or that they're placing bets on when i'm getting back together with tony... but i bet anybody that has heard the FULL STORY from ME will not be so quick to judge.

i think i will go pick up a load of hay now.

07 FEB 2004 - 1.00p
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LACEY!!!!!!

yes... i'm so pleased to announce the 25th birthday of everybody's favorite, lacey. she rang in her birthday with one of her favorite bands last night, complete with many song dedications and a beachland tavern full of drunk idiots singing happy birthday to her (i was one of them, sort of).

tonight we're going out to celebrate yet again in kent. looking forward to that... hopefully i can stay awake and hopefully i can shake this ashtray feeling from last night.

paul, courtney, dale and i went to gold coast for some food following the beachland. paul told me that i should get a three egg cheese omlette with two eggs... it was the perfect suggestion. it did just the right amount of filling me up and making me feel tip top at 3a. i was happy to see courtney was feeling better... i'm really surprised she made it through the whole show. oh, to be 19 and stamped as over 21! i barely remember 19.

i should begin my day now. i have to do some birthday shopping for someone.

05 FEB 2004 - 7.54a
this morning i received the best friendster message ever. let me start by saying that this is my currenty friendster photo.

the subject of the message was something like "the dark one." and now for your reading enjoyment:

you picture
are you giving the sign of the goat
or the sign of the devil

does it matter
should i treat you differently based on hand signals
ive been contemplating - and i think i would treat you differently depending on what that sign is

Mike

so... being the ass that i am... i sent this guy (i'll add that i have no idea who this mike guy is) a reply...

do you know how to use question marks?
should i treat you differently because you can't punctuate?
i've been contemplating, and i think i would treat you differently based on how you end a sentence.

oh, i am such a jerk.

i have more to talk about later. you haven't heard the last of me... but i must do my chores.

04 FEB 2004 - 7.36a
he really isn't reading this. i don't think i have to worry. and yes, i did call him last night multiple times. it was during the real world. that show is going to kill me. i'll be honest... i missed him. badly. i was losing my mind last night as it is (see previous entry, and feel free to ask lacey about it!). the weird thing is i know i am so much better off without... it's just so scary how things were before. if i am the only person that honestly ever got to see that side of him, the rest of the world can thank me for allowing tony to take all of his bad stuff out on me... it was ugly.

so... today is cheesecake day. i am still single. i decided that i don't want chocolate for valentine's day... i want heart cookies a la buffalo 66. i still want a punch in the stomach.

i need a drink.

03 FEB 2004 - 9.17p
24 is on right now. and i think i'm losing my mind. ask lacey. my mind going has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with 24 and everything to do with me hating everything. and i mean everything.

however, i received a reply to my resume today. the position is admissions and communications director at a nursing home in massillon... it's about 30 miles from here... slightly more than i wanted to travel, but the job doesn't sound half bad. i have a phone interview later this week... hopefully they will like me and i'll get to go in for another interview. please keep fingers crossed. since this is the first one i've been even slightly interested in, i'm not going to be terribly heartbroken if it doesn't work out. i was happy just to get a response!!

tomorrow lacey and i are going to have cheesecake... because that is what i want to do. and i want to have coffee (starbucks) afterward. i have no money left on my starbucks card. boooo.

it's been a huge struggle keeping busy. i want to go out, out, out all the time. hopefully i can manage to get through tomorrow, thanks to the cheesecake excursion with lacey... thursday... what is going on? no clue. friday is lacey's birthday show at the beachland. saturday is her birthday and a night out in kent. that should keep me busy... the days aren't the problem... it's just what to do at night.

also, if anybody wants to make valentine's day plans with me... please do so. i usually am not really that into valentine's day, except it is an excellent opportunity to receive chocolate. so if anybody wants to buy me chocolate and punch me in the stomach, i'm free.

i hate everything.

03 FEB 2004 - 8.35a
i ended up going to capsule again last night. i don't plan on making it a regular hangout unless the circumstances call for it. last night i had to go because ed was being interviewed for scene... i pretended like i was in his band. if the interviewer was any good, he will definitely use my parts of the interview. i don't know how useful ed's parts will be... he sounded completely insane after a couple glasses of wine. i'm glad i could be there for him.

i guess scene also wants to put his band on the cover in a couple of weeks. i thought scene didn't do band covers, but apparently they're trying to do one a month or something. oh well. if i could get in on the picture, i totally would... but i don't know how the other bandmates would feel about that.

some things suck. i feel like i'm really having to monitor my words here... yet "he" (if i may borrow the quotations around this word from lacey) can speak so vaguely about what happened that anybody reading his online diary might assume it was all my fault. i'm sure he probably thinks it is all my fault... that i set him off, etc... but some of the things that happened were so inexcuseable. it's made me question the whole love thing... he is still insisting that he loves me. would someone who truly loves me call me really horrible names? accuse me of lying and cheating? yes, tony, sorry only goes so far.

the whole thing has left me very hurt and very sad. i would never have asked for him back in december if i wanted things to end almost immediately. i have been hearing subtle "i told you so"s. that makes me crazy... i don't know if i should have known better or what.

anyway, it's back to being single. i guess all i can do is learn from my mistakes and move on.

02 FEB 2004 - 2.13p

henry, lucy, and a wee part of phoebe... and way too much snow.

02 FEB 2004 - 10.23a
i was disappointed with survivor all-stars. it was good... but it just seems like all of these old survivor people have big egos (RICHARD HATCH) and there is such a lack of character development. maybe it's because we already know all the people... but it just seems so dumb. and rupert, my all time favorite survivor contestant, seemed so shy and not like himself. sigh.

i did watch many of the super bowl commercials online this morning. the favorite being the budweiser commercial with the donkey and the clydesdales. i told henry that the donkey in the commercial is his cousin. (it isn't really.)

nothing else new to report. if you're searching for dave davis, or dave a. davis... you know, the journalist from the plain dealer... feel free to leave me a comment with your questions. it's that time of year again.

i think i'm going to do some shopping. i have some errands to run... somebody's birthday is coming up. HMMM...

01 FEB 2004 - 12.10p
let's hear it for change. thanks to everyone who has offered support, advice, etc.

my animals are well. i am well. things are well. leave me a message.